The accident

I said I was going to elaborate on the car accident of 11-14-1998, so I guess now would be as good a time as any.

It was evening and we were on a road that was in a rural area and was a truck route. It wasn't completely dark yet and there was a fine mist of rain, so headlights and wipers were called for. In my car with me was me ex husband and my new born (11-5), my 4 yeal old and my 6 year old. I remember seeing headilghts coming at us in our lane, I remember saying my ex's name and steering to the right and braking. My thought was "don't lose control and make it worse, put even pressure on the brakes and get on the shoulder of the road". The next thing I remember was one of the older kids looking at me while getting out of the car. Some one said "the baby is dead" (she wasn't, thank God). I was trying to undo my seat belt, but I couldn't do it with my left hand, it wasn't working (the hand) so I used my right hand, but I still couldn't get out. I didn't know how hurt I was because I did not feel any pain. I must have blacked out then, because I felt I was floating, it wasn't in darkness but it wasn't light, either. I felt everything was ok. I felt peace like I have never felt before. I came to again, the medics were trying to suction me, I inststed on doing it myself! I was cold and uncomfortable but still no pain. Blacked out again. Kind of came to in the ER. I felt I was leaning over myself trying to give the nurses my Mom's phone number. I was telling the me in the bed the numbers, telling the me in the bed "take your time, you can do it". I remember feeling like I was watching things from up towards the ceiling, I didn't watch what they were doing to me, just watching them come and go. I remember floating down infront of a male doctor, hazel eyes, brown hair, beard, moustache, about mid 30's. I looked at his name badge, though now I can not remember his name. I can still see his face to this day, though. After that, back to the peaceful twilight. I do not remember seeing any one there with me, not God, Jesus, or any departed family. Just the peacefulness. I was in that place for nearly 6 days. I woke up, knowing I was in a hospital, still no pain. Some how I knew my baby and the older girls were still alive and ok. I put the call light on and asked for a pepsi and for some one to wash my hair, which was still full of blood and glass. I later learned that though I was with my ex at the time of the accident, no one told him which hospital I went to. My family had to hunt me down and when they finally found where I was, the docs told them I would not make it. The police who spoke to my Dad said that had I panicked, we all would have been seriously hurt at best, said the way I handled the car, based on witness reports and accident scene, saved my childrens life. The baby had only minor scratches, the 4 year old was fine, and the 6 year old only had a gash on her forehead from flying debris. Ex had a scratch in his left eyebrow. I had a traumatic brain injury, a cerebrospinal fluid leak, a broken nose, dislocated jaw, broken upper and lower jaw, broken bone in left hand, and the sinus's on the left side of my face were crushed. My face was so messed up, my left eye fell out onto my cheek, the eyesocket was destroyed. The repairs they did at first were done thinking I would not survive. They were to give me a chance, not done with cosmetic appearance in mind. I have a bit of titanium in my face now. Enough to set off some metal detectors.

So, some would say I cheated death. I say I was cheated. I miss that peacefulness. I have no clue why I did survive. I don't feel any special purpose since then. Things have not been easy..... I recovered quickly, was back to work within a few months, but I lost memories of my oldest childs baby years, didn't even recognise her in pictures, I have difficulty with memory, organization, concentration. Mom said my personality was different. Soon after coming home, I got angry with my 4 year old for something, and I lost my temper and spanked her, on the verge of child abuse! I felt so bad that I used every ounce of my energy to repress anger. I do it automatically now. This is not really a good thing, I know. Anger does serve a purpose. I basically allowed myself to become a door mat. I drained my own energy to the point where I do not defend myself. I turned it inward. And now that I figured out how bad that is, I can not undo it. Which is probably why I long for that peacefulness. I have been in counselling for over a year, it does not help with that. The counselling came after I over dosed. I don't think I was trying to kill myself, though I do think I was smart enough to know I could have because of what I did. I think I was just trying to get to that peaceful place again, which I did not, despite nearly dying. Where I went that time was confusing. I felt restless and empty. I did not have any peaceful feelings. I could not have told you who I was. I did not know my own family. I was just there, aimless. I hope to never do that again. So, I still repress anger, but I try to find safe outlets, like journaling (now blogging), the counselling, meditation, and other low key things. I wish I could get over the pain enough to ride a bike or even go for a long walk (I'd settle for a short walk or ride). And when ever I start to really want that peacefulness again, I think about how trying to get it felt..... how different it was when I went after it on my own. I wonder alot if the "fibro" is in part cause by the repressed anger. I used to doubt I had fibro at all, but now, I believe I do, and think I have for a long time, but I think it is definitely made worse by the repressed anger, which is made worse by having the fibro..... a big circle. I hope if any one who may read this ever feels so badly, that they get help right away..... even though I do not think I purposely attempted suicide, I think I knew it was a possibility, and if I had died, I think that the confusion, aimlessness, emptiness, and purposelessness I felt would have been the Hell I would have to have endured for eternity and I would not wish that on even my worst enemy (if I had one)!!! I don't know why I survived that incident (my family was told I wouldn't, once again) any more than I know why I survived the car accident, but though life isn't easy, I must live it and I strive to over come my disabilities until it is really my turn to leave here. And while I'm at it, I will try to make every day the best I can, maybe even manage to have a good time doing it!!!